Issue #104: Official EXMO

I just got back from dropping off a Very Important Letter at the corner mailbox - my official, notarized resignation from the Mormon Church. Deep breaths.

This has been a long time coming, but even though I haven’t been active in the LDS Church since my early 20’s, it is wrapped up in so many emotions. An official declaration that my morals and values no longer align with a religion that I was taught to embrace… and yes, even die for, had it come down to that. I remember vividly as a 12 year old, sitting in scripture study class, learning that it would be better to fall on the sword than to deny that God or the Gospel existed. But if you did die with faith, you’d be all set. And I thought, “Whoa. Am I willing to die for my beliefs?? I guess I better be!” It sort of reminds me of learning about quicksand as a kid - you think it’s going to be a way bigger problem than it actually is. But I was all in.

And I loved it. I loved growing up Mormon. It was my entire identity. Three hours of church on Sunday, various service activities through the week, early morning seminary before school, church dances every weekend. MORMON WAS LIFE! All my cool and favorite cousins were Mormon, many of my closest friends were Mormon, we were surrounded and enveloped by church and family and membership. I never drank, smoked, or watched R-Rated movies. It was all I had ever known. I was gonna go to heaven with all these amazing people and have eternal salvation. Who could ask for more?

My deconstruction was slow, but it was pretty solid. And we are encouraged to seek answers with good intentions. I never sought out Anti-Mormon doctrine, I just really sat with questions that I had and tried to make sense of them. Until the answers no longer made sense to me.

And I sort of just planned on leaving it at that. Nobody from the church was bothering me. I might get a letter from the Relief Society President offering me a ride to church, or a visit from the missionaries not knowing what was about to hit them. But mostly, the church just wasn’t part of my life anymore. The end. Now, funny enough, it was the episode of Real Housewives of SLC where Whitney removes her name from the church that got me thinking about doing the same. And that was in 2022! So it still took me time. Not because it was particularly difficult (I used QuitMormon.org) but because even though I was 99.9999999% sure of my decision, there was a 0.0000000001% chance that I was wrong about this. And then what would happen to meeeeeee??

The indoctrination runs that deep, y’all.

But I finally feel ready. Mostly for a sense of closure and formality. So I took my booty down the UPS and got my resignation letter notarized by a young kid named Henry. My husband joked that now Henry was an accomplice and would be meeting me in the fire and brimstone, our names both etched in stone in that notary book. As I left the UPS, Henry said, “good luck!” and without even thinking, I flipped my hair, letter in sweaty palm, and shouted back, “I’ll see you in Hell, Henry!”